#32 - Last Year's Terrifying Panic Attack
an out-of-body experience (and how long it took to recover)
I’m finally ready to talk about December 23rd, 2021. (Spoiler: Everything turned out okay.)
I was driving the kids down the hairpin turns of our mountain road to meet some out-of-town friends for brunch. All of a sudden, the only thing I could hear was the crackling of fallen leaves beneath the car. “DO YOU GUYS HEAR THAT?” I asked my kids above the noise. They didn’t know what I was talking about.
Then I realized I was stuck in a time loop. I felt like I had taken the same turn dozens of times. I’ve had nightmares about losing control while driving, but I knew this was real. Something was very, very wrong.
I miraculously made it to the bottom of the mountain where, thankfully, there was a parking lot and I only had to make one turn. “Lord, help me, Lord help me!!!” I yelled as I tried to steer my kids to safety. My brain felt like it had no control over my hands, but I parked somehow and—with much effort—managed to call my husband, who was in an important meeting with someone who flew into town just to see him.
“I need you to pick us up right now,” I said. “Something is very wrong with me.” I put a movie on for the kids and told the older ones that I wasn’t feeling well and needed them to pray for me. I just sat there, feeling tingly and confused, while I waited. I had no concept of time and felt like I was outside my body.
I did just indulge in some holiday treats before I left the house. Was this a heart attack? I hadn’t done any drugs, but I was experiencing what I imagine it feels like to have a very bad trip.
Peter apologetically left his meeting, canceled my brunch, called his mom, and met us where we were so he could drive us back home. He made sure the kids were all safely inside, then helped me get to my bed. I lacked coordination so severely that I could hardly walk. Apparently I looked normal, but my eyes felt like they were jumping all over the place. Drinking water felt like a daunting task.
I wondered if this was permanent. Did I just, like, break? I felt peace deep, deep down, like Jesus was sitting with me in the room, but I still didn’t know if I would make it out of this.
My mother-in-law, a former nurse, considered my symptoms and figured out what was [most likely] going on: a panic attack. She tried to speak sense to me, but I was so confused. I knew everything was real—it’s not like I thought I was in the Matrix or something—but nothing felt like it was real. Derealization—if you’ve never gone through it—is one of the scariest experiences you can imagine.
I had felt fine that day and was actually having a great week. The panic attack seemed to come out of nowhere. However, I had gone through a lot of stressful things in a little over a year—many of them driving-related—and I think the panic attack was a delayed reaction to a buildup of all of those things.
I felt better after I took a nap, but I was impacted by this event for months after. Sometimes when I was driving, I would feel whispers of derealization again, and I would have to call my mom or Peter’s mom and ask them to talk to me about something shallow or amusing that would distract me from feeling like I was in a dream.
People have certainly gone through harder things than me, but in the span of a year and a half, I was in two accidents (rear-ended in one of them), my car was attacked while I was sitting at a red light, and I had recently had a horrible drive returning from Florida with a screaming, feverish toddler…plus I had never felt confident in the car to begin with, especially not driving down these mountain roads. There were other major stressors that had compounded that year, too. I pretty much did break. My computer’s motherboard was dumped on by a gallon of water. Sizzle.
Healing
Ideally I would’ve been able to process all this with a therapist—I’ve benefited majorly from counseling in the past—but for various reasons, therapy is unfortunately not accessible to all people in all seasons. So my healing has had to take place apart from therapy.
My paranoia had gotten so bad that I was afraid to drive. I quit going to the gym in the mornings because driving in the dark was just too scary, and when I did take my kids for walks in town, I would hold pepper spray in one of my hands, finger on the trigger. Caution is good, but I knew this wasn’t healthy, and it wasn’t setting a good example for my kids. For months, I asked God to take away my fear, and I had other people asking God to help me, too.
I went for six months without driving further than 30 minutes from home. Then, in June, I drove 50 minutes to a friend’s house. A few weeks later, I drove two hours to Huntsville and back. Then I did it again. Then, last month, I drove 9 hours to Florida. I don’t feel scared anymore.
I don’t know when or why it happened exactly, but God answered my prayer. It’s crazy when you reach a point where you realize it’s been quite awhile since you’ve struggled with something that used to be so constant and consuming. I still ask for Him to help me drive safely every time I go out, and I’m very cautious about being undistracted—which is good—but I’m not afraid.
I share this whole event to offer you hope because maybe you’ve gone through something similar and you’re wondering if you’ll ever get out of it. You wonder if metaphorical rice will ever effectively remove the water from your waterlogged mental hard drive. (I’ve clearly ruined a lot of technology with water.)
I don’t really know what to say. But what kind of a God would give His people a verse such as “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.” (Psalm 30:11) Jesus loves to heal people.
Maybe you can dare to believe that He will heal you too ❤
Oh, and merry Christmas. I hope God shows you His love in a special way this year.
Love,
Hope
P.S. Here’s a pretty picture from last week. Sunrises are a lot easier to see when the leaves are down.
Our family has had some very similar experiences ❤️ thank you for sharing your story! Love that you are experiencing healing. (But seriously how much does it stink that therapy is still so inaccessible to so many people 🙄😭)
Wow! What a scary moment (and time) in your life. I’ve never had a panic attack, but my husband has and he literally thought he was having a heart attack. And we ended up in the hospital. But God can heal and transform our hearts and minds - even if that just means He gives us the tools to manage it every time it happens. Thanks for sharing your story.
I love the beautiful colors of fall, but winter trees are my favorite!