Some Updates From This Summer ☀️
mental health, friendship, train travel, and a new substack
Hello! It’s been many months since I’ve written on here, and I hope you are well, dear reader.
This summer was a wild ride for me and it’s difficult to even know where to begin, but I wanted to share some nuggets that I hope encourage you.
Fighting for My (and my Family’s) Mental Health Like It’s My Job
I am not typically prone to anxiety, but in spring and early summer, it felt like my fears were constantly knocking me over.
I just want answers. I want to know what career I could have that would allow me to pay the bills and pour into my kids. I want to know if I’ll find someone to marry soon or if I’ll be lonely and exhausted like this for years and years. I want to know how I should be budgeting and what I should be focusing on and how I can perfectly optimize every bit of my life so it doesn’t all fall to pieces. This all sounds dramatic, but I really have been scared and tired!
However, this summer, I decided that since I did get an alimony settlement that enables me to primarily focus on the kids for a year as I figure out what’s next, I should try to enjoy them and show up fully present for this traumatic year of their lives…and I shouldn’t feel guilty about trying to take care of myself so there’s something left for them! In my decade of pregnancies, nursing, co-sleeping, and babywearing, I wasn’t great about self-care, so I decided that maybe I should model that for them for once.
So I started riding my bike a lot more. In the long days of summer, I allowed myself an hour of “clocking out” each afternoon while I put on a movie for them so I could ride to get groceries or grab ice cream with a friend. I committed to weekly group rides on Wednesdays when the kids have dinner with their dad (and lots of weekend rides when they’re gone, too.)
In August and September, I prioritized biking up to the Walnut Street bridge to see the sun rise over the Tennessee River every chance I got. Sometimes I go for late-night rides after the kids are asleep, too.
My goal is to ride my bike 70 miles a week, but a few weeks ago I even got 118 miles in! Cycling has been such a good thing for my heart, and all the happy hormones that come from biking—plus the friends and community I’ve made—have helped me feel more stabilized emotionally. Hard things have happened, but they didn’t topple me as much as I would’ve expected them to.
I can already tell that this season of prioritizing my physical and emotional health probably needs to soon make way for other things—like getting serious about finding an actual job—but the kids and I had a really great summer, and I don’t regret it. That’s the cool thing about seasons.
Friendship Is the Destination
I’m going to be completely transparent here and tell you that my singleness has been getting on my nerves. I haven’t even been on an actual date yet. I don’t know if my standards are too high or my personality is too weird or if the having-five-kids thing is too intimidating, but I suppose I expected to have a bit more of a boyfriend—or maybe even a small line of suitors—by now. I have been putting myself out there, but there hasn’t been even one actual candidate for a serious relationship yet.
I’ve reached some form of acceptance about it, though, and one of the things that’s really helped is that this summer I’ve become very close friends with one of my neighbors. He happens to be gay, which has been such a sweet and liberating dynamic, because our friendship is and always will be enough as-is. We were enjoying Mexican food one Friday night when I started complaining about how no one has even taken me out to dinner yet, and he said, “Hope, it hasn’t happened yet because it wasn’t supposed to. Don’t you go hard with the Lord? Isn’t trusting that it’s all going to work out what you, like, do?”
And I realized he’s right. I don’t have an imagination as big as God does. I also keep forgetting how much my life is full of love. I may not have validation of my worth from a lover or paycheck, but I am loved and cherished by my kids and an incredible support network of friends and family, and most of all, from who I believe to be the actual God of the universe. I really do have enough.
That’s another great thing about this season. As I pour my relational energy into friendships that will always just be friendships instead of focusing on relationships that I hope would graduate to “something else,” I’ve learned that Friendship is an amazing destination. Friendship is love. Friendship is enough as-is. There’s so much freedom when you allow yourself to be fully satisfied in the relationship you have in the present.
Even if/when I find “my person,” I hope I never forget what a prize and gift friendship is. And I want to teach my kids that.
Train Travel and a New Substack
Another big update from the summer is that during the kids’ two-week summer vacation with their dad, I backpacked around America by train! I spent 147 hours on various trains using the Amtrak USA Rail Pass and, oh, dear reader, it was one of the most fulfilling things I’ve ever done. As I traveled from coast to coast, sleeping in coach or staying with friends or in hostels, I initially wanted to write a book, but I decided that I have enough articles in my head to share stories and reflections for quite awhile, so I’m going to opt for ongoing updates online. (Plus, I love to share photos and links!)
You can follow along on my public instagram (@hopehencheywrites), and yesterday I launched a new [paid] Substack (HopeHenchey.substack.com) where I’ll be sharing travel essays on Mondays; the first one comes out on the 30th. In a couple weeks, the kids will be on fall break with their dad, so I bought a $24 flight to Miami and I’m taking trains all the way up the East Coast to New England to see friends, meet strangers, gather wisdom, wander walkable cities, and advocate for public transit.
I love home and, as far as joy is concerned, it’s truly hard to beat a mundane week here in Chattanooga. But I’m in a weird untethered season right now and I’m prayerfully trying to make the most of it.
God is with me and I really, really love Him. I don’t understand how a year of so much brokenness could still be full of so much life and peace. He’s been really gracious.
Those are enough announcements for now, I think. I hope your summer was sweet and meaningful. Sending hugs.
Love,
Hope
